Transit Lines

Haikus

2009-03-07T13:12:00.002-05:00

I recently did some stage time in Manhattan at a show that was called "Haiku." Each comedian was invited to write a Haiku or two to read at some point in their set. I wrote 20. Here they are for your asian pleasure.

fun with old people
dress in grim reaper costume
go to nursing home

sex in cardboard box
use your imagination
now its a space ship

earth floating in dark
so fragile in its soft shell
fuck bobby jindal

in line for santa
I'm also dressed as santa
children are crying

in a friends bathroom
ruler on back of toilet
for god's sake, don't touch

in a friends bathroom
ruler on back of toilet
gross, my friends a girl

Marlbero miles
there's one prize you cannot win
chemotherapy

dinner on Christmas
Christians love to dine on ham
this makes jews jealous

with luck, in future
dip'n dots will still exist
jokes about them won't

blind Stevie Wonder
dressed silly in 70's
his friends let him down

happy ending rub
ok at massage parlors
car wash, not so much

Darfur hunger strike
I don't think you should bother
they have that covered

people who sell pot
why don't you also sell snacks?
crunch berries in shwag

sex with blow up doll
not as awkward as you think
ok, that's a lie

homosexuals
constant state of confusion
I went to Starbucks

airport drug traffic
put baggies in your dogs ass
drug dogs should sniff there

suicide letter
more fun if it's a pop up
pull tab, wave goodbye

sexy time sweet talk
many mistakes are made
like, "nothing but net"

rape is not funny
I'm glad no one is laughing
um, yeah, this one sucks

I thought you were 12
two pedophiles meet in park
I thought you were 12

Comedy Podcast

2009-03-03T18:48:00.002-05:00

I sat down the other week with Jim Zarling, the founder of the Charlottesville Comedy Roundtable. Listen as we talk about pregnancy, facebook, the economy, dementia, and stand-up.

http://cvillecomedy.blogspot.com/2009/02/podcast-iv-bill-metzger.html

25 Things You Don't Know About Me.

2009-02-15T12:51:00.000-05:00

I haven’t used a pencil erasure since 1987, because that was the last time I made a mistake.
I say cool and hip things like “trippin,” “swoll,” “off the chain,” and “me too.”
Contrary to what Willow believes, I am in fact the greatest swordsman that ever lived, not Madmartigan.
When I read mystery novels I have to stop half-way through because that’s when I figure them out.
I designed a very popular line of hyper-color evening wear sold in Prague..
I stayed up for 24 hours once, and during that time I won a wrestling match, caught a fish, kissed a girl, wrote a story, and built a chair. All of these things took place in the parking lot of a 7-11.
I was a C-section, twice.
In 2003 I launched an advertising business that advertises for an advertising company.
I can hug a gay person without thinking I might be gay.
I wrote this whole article with my eyes closed.
I lit the wrong end of a cigarette once, and that was only because God spoke to me while I was lighting it.
After six years, I finally convinced the fifth dentist to recommend Trident.
I have bailed three people out of debt and put four severely in debt.
Bangorang.
On September 11th, the terrorists thought I was in one of the towers.
In Biloxi there are six streets named after me.
Mi poto paroli Esperanto kun ease. Bitch.
I donated my left kidney in 2002 and it grew back, so I donated it again in 2004.
In my spare time I write additions to the Bible. My Bible is now over 14,000 pages long.
When I play sports I will sometimes secretly switch teams in order to give myself the advantage.
The Dali Lama once thanked me for eating breakfast with him.
In 1994 I dodged a bullet. It took three years before I discovered that I had actually been shot.
I will have three contributions in the next edition of "Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations"
My past lives brag that I am their future life.
Every night before I go to sleep I play an entire game of Monopoly moving for all twelve pieces.

Inauguration Fun Facts!!!

2009-01-30T17:13:00.001-05:00

After witnessing all the pimp and circumstance (Get it? Obaba's black.), it might be hard to believe that the only legal requirement of the incoming president is to take the fifteen word oath of office. All the balls, all the parades, all the celebrities, all the speeches, and all the bad poetry are only unnecessary layers that have accumulated over time. This morning, as I watch the movie Ghost, (Nobody puts baby in a corner, except for cancer.) I thought I would take some time to impart to you some of the lesser known inaugural facts and traditions:

When one president relinquishes power to another, there is always a private letter left in the Resolute Desk for the incoming Commander in Chief. This is not a letter full of presidential secrets and wisdom. It is actually a story. Each President adds his own paragraph. The latest addition to the story has turned it into a picture book.

The tradition of giving a speech after swearing in was started by George Washington. He thought that, given the occasion, he should say a few words to the American people. He also started the tradition of jerking off beforehand to calm him nerves. This has been repeated by every president save Lyndon Johnson, who had to jerk off after swearing in, due to the short notice of JFK getting shot in the head.

Since the inception of photography, the incoming and outgoing presidents have posed for a photo together on Inauguration day. This photo is taken in the doorway of the Oval Office and is staged as follows: The door frame divides the picture into two halves. On the right, the outgoing President is standing in the Oval Office, leaning against the wall. His hand gently placed on the wood paneling next to his face. On the left side, the newly elected President is leaning against the hallway wall in much the same fashion. Divided. Yearning.

The new President and First Lady have hot "Mr. President" sex. The outgoing President gets a hand job in a helicopter.

Before the inauguration, the soon to be President and his wife visit the White House to have a cup of coffee with the former President. This year Obama will be choosing tea over coffee. If the incoming president has young children, this meeting is also the first official opportunity he has to say, "Stop sweetie. Daddy's running the country. Go play with that old stuff." This year Obama will be saying this to Bush, rather than his own children. You see, they are better behaved.

Alright, now that I have shared these traditions with you, I need to share something else. I wrote half of this, and then came back the next day and wrote the other half. Why? Because, as I mentioned above I was watching the movie Ghost when I started writing this. "Hey, Bill. Then what happened?" Well, baby birds, I finish watching Ghost, and then it came on again. Let me make this clear, so we're all on the same page about what happened yesterday.

I WATCHED THE MOVIE GHOST TWICE IN ONE DAY, BACK TO FUCKING BACK.

Naturally, I was drunk the second time and couldn't finish this blog entry.
Obama, help me.

How To Build A Robot In Twenty Seven Easy Steps

2008-08-01T19:22:00.004-04:00

Step one - Accumulate a mound of laundry, one that encompasses all the clothes you own.

Step two - Make a list of parts necessary to construct a "laundry doing" robot.

Step three - Get kicked out of Radio Shack for wearing only a dirty pair of basketball shorts.

Step four - Borrow some of your roomates clothing.

Step five - Buy necessary parts at Radio Shack.

Step six - Return roommates clothes and credit card.

Step seven - Assemble robots body.

Step eight - Remove robots penis for fear of roommates homophobic reaction.

Step nine - Take shower and use roommates loofah.

Step ten - Call ex-girlfriend.

Step eleven - Cry.

Step twelve - Reattach robots penis and test it via the scientific method.

Step thirteen - Pretend you are not home until roommate goes to bed.

Step fourteen - Stare at pile of dirty laundry.

Step fifteen - Build robot head and program its artificial intelligence.

Step sixteen - Turn robot on.

Step seventeen - Argue with robot.

Step eighteen - Turn robot off and reprogram it to eliminate homophobic personality.

Step nineteen - Turn robot on.

Step twenty - Shut robot down via emergency cut off and remove roommates broken furniture from apartment.

Step twenty one - Finish roommates box of Fruity Pebbles.

Step twenty two - Try to make it back to room before roommate enters kitchen.

Step twenty three - Argue with roommate.

Step twenty four - Put cold steak on eye to reduce swelling.

Step twenty five - Reprogram robot to kill roommate.

Step twenty six - Turn robot on.

Step twenty seven - Enjoy wearing both your newly cleaned clothes, and your former roommates entire wardrobe.

Google Fun For Hours

2008-07-24T19:55:00.007-04:00

My roommates and I have just discovered an amazing game that you, the audience at home, can play for yourselves. Here's how:

Go to Google Maps.
Click on "Find businesses."
Type your address in the "where" box.
In the "what" box, type any item you wish to find.

For instance, if you want some pizza for dinner type "pizza," and the closest location that you can find such a service in Charlottesville is listed. Here are some examples (if you don't believe the results, please try them yourself):

Rape - University of Virginia
Easy Bitches - Outback Lodge
Faggots - Earl Hamner Jr Theater
Ass Play - Monticello
Blow Job - Tina Roberts Studios
Drunk Women - Family & Correction
Douche - Omni Hotel
Loser - Spotswood High School
Crunk - Buffalo Wild Wings, WNRN (second entry)
Morons - America's Hope Foundation
Drugged Women - Region Ten Community Center
Late Buses - University of Virginia
Horrible People - The Hook
One Night Stand - Quality Inn
Cunts - GNC
Pretentious People - Clifton Country Inn
Bad Place - College Park University Place
Anal - UVA Outpatient Surgery Center
Gay Sex - AIDS Services Group (second entry)
Dorky Guys - University of Virginia: Virginia Engineering Foundation
Crystal Meth - Paramount Theatre (third entry)
Cowards - Eastern Mennonite University
Drunks - Eastern Mennonite University (second entry)
Anal Rape - James Madison University
Donkey Punch - Sheetz
Ass Cherries - Basic Necessities
Porn - Spudnut Shop
Menstrual Blood - Charlottesville Police Department
Boobs - Mc Guffey Art Center
Katie Sullivan - Wells Sheffield Funeral Home

(We used our address, 1312 Rose Hill Drive, as the "where" for these entries.)

Ali G Interviews Kendall Howell

2008-07-17T21:18:00.018-04:00

Ali G: Yo, Respek. Dis is yo main mun, Ali G, an' I iz in da house wiv me bruva, me mate, Kendall Howell.

Kendall Howell: Hello.

Ali G: Now, I hear yous just had a brand fresh nippa boy. Big ups. Wot is is name?

KH: Jeffrey Oliver Howell

Ali G: Very well. Word on da street iz dat a massiv push towards PR is happenin at UTS. Iz dis true?

KH: Yes. We have been successful bringing safety to a higher standard at UTS for the past couple of years, so now we're ready to tackle the task of improving our PR with the community.

Ali G: Me was thinking dat yous might av gottun your bitch up da spout to elp PR.

KH: What?

Ali G: Did yous want the public to know dat yous is a man? Dat you iz not shootin blanks?

KH: Well, no, but I don't see what that has to do with...

Ali G: So yous don care dat some people tink dat yous a bit batty? Dat you's a bit on da fairy side.

KH: No one thinks that. Who would think that? I'm married, and besides, so what if I was gay. That would be my prerogative.

Ali G: Iz dat a bum toy?

KH: ??? Can we get back on track please?

Ali G: Respek. So wuz yous maximum whun ya made da fresh routes?

KH: I don't follow.

Ali G: Wuz yous smoken da herbal remidies?

KH: Marijuana? No, I've never smoked marijuana.

Ali G: Den why do yous get 10 minutes at MacDonald's if yous don't hav da munchies?

KH: The reason for that is we have to make sure the buses are spaced out correctly on route.

Ali G: Da drivers get spacey? Does gettin' well spaced out before a shift elp 'im drive. Like when I iz proper stoned, me can watch "Short Circuit" fo like eight hours in a row. As yous seen dat flick?

KH: I must stress that our drivers are prohibited from using any illegal substances, and they are absolutely never...

Ali G: Yo, me luvs da part when he sez "Johny Five is aight." Iz mad wicked. *Snap*

KH: It's "Johny Five is alive."

Ali G: Whateva. So iz dere a fresh dress code at UTS?

KH: Well, we're trying to appear more professional in the eyes of the general public. What I would like to see is a reflection of this professionalism, while keeping intact the laid back nature of the organization we have all come to love. I believe there is a common ground between these two goals.

Ali G: Iz babylons in dat common ground?

KH: What is that?

Ali G: Yous know wot I iz talkin 'bout. Tata's, julie jugs, bazookas. Don yous tink dat bitches should be allowed to show dey breasts when deyz drivin'. Maybe geazers would get out a da way if dey saw a little nip.

KH: That would be sexual harassment if we enforced that behavior, so no.

Ali G: Her ass, wot about hiz ass? HAHAHA

KH: .........

Ali G: Did yous hear wot me just said. Hiz ass. As if...

KH: Yeah. It was.. pretty funny.

Ali G: Yo. Respek! Big ups to you Kendall fo takin' da time to bust wit me, and big ups to UTS. Be mad safe on da roads.

DANCE!!!!!!

2008-07-17T01:30:00.001-04:00

This is an actual commercial for an actual insurance company in Seattle, brought to you by Ben and Cindy.

Overheard on Blk 14

2008-07-16T13:50:00.007-04:00

I find that the conversation between nurses early in the morning is like watching "Encino Man" and "Biodome" fuck. Here's what we're going to do; I'm going to write down the transcripts of convos that I overheard this morning, peppered with convos I WISH I had heard, and you tell me which ones are truth and which ones are awesome. Go:

"It's horrible, you know. I mean, Social Security was set up so that we wouldn't have to work later in life. I think everyone should be able to enjoy their golden years, but I think I'm going to have to work until I'm ninty!"
"Basically I stick to white cheeses because.......oh my god!! Where is all this blood coming from??!!! It's everywhere!! There's so much blood!!" *vomit*
"This new GPS system is great. I've always thought that it would be nice to know exactly when the bus was coming. That way I can wait in my car if it's raining, or if I just don't feel like standing in the sun."
"So my cousin Brad Pitt is coming into town to see my new house, and he wants me to invite people from the community so he can hang out with them and make some new friends."
"Does Jeff still play with the Church band? Now, is that every Sunday, or does he play during the Wednesday evening service as well?"
"Basically, Robert and I decided that since Breanna is going away to school this summer, we want to make sure that she's able to comfortably handle unfamiliar social situations. So we're trying to hire someone who can teach her how to be a woman. We're prepared to pay exceptionally well, but we're having trouble finding someone who is willing to put forth the multiple hours a day we expect to be spent on teaching our daughter all the ways of the world."
"The stairs on the bus just kill me every morning. They're so steep, I'm just afraid that one day I won't be able to make it up them! Hahaha."
"....and then they crashed straight through the gate. Now, my uncle has been raising dinosaurs for years, and I told him not to give them guns, but....."
"We like to use one ply in our house because we have a septic tank and it's quicker to biodegrade. And you know, if you double it up, you can't even tell that it's not two ply!"
"......so then she woke up, and I was like FUCK!!!!!!!!"
"Jessie came to me yesterday and said that I should stay in the office later in the day and help out with the extra paper work in the afternoon. But that makes no sense, because I already have to sort the files when I get to work, so basically I'm doing twice as much work for the same pay. So I told Racheal, if you have a problem with me showing up for work late, you'll just have to deal with it, because I'm not getting screwed with more work and the same pay. And guess what? She backed down. I was so proud that I stood up to her that I went to Kroger and bought a bottle of Barefoot wine."
"I fucked John in the ass last night."

Can you tell which quotes were real? I thought not.