How To Build A Robot In Twenty Seven Easy Steps

Step one - Accumulate a mound of laundry, one that encompasses all the clothes you own.

Step two - Make a list of parts necessary to construct a "laundry doing" robot.

Step three - Get kicked out of Radio Shack for wearing only a dirty pair of basketball shorts.

Step four - Borrow some of your roomates clothing.

Step five - Buy necessary parts at Radio Shack.

Step six - Return roommates clothes and credit card.

Step seven - Assemble robots body.

Step eight - Remove robots penis for fear of roommates homophobic reaction.

Step nine - Take shower and use roommates loofah.

Step ten - Call ex-girlfriend.

Step eleven - Cry.

Step twelve - Reattach robots penis and test it via the scientific method.

Step thirteen - Pretend you are not home until roommate goes to bed.

Step fourteen - Stare at pile of dirty laundry.

Step fifteen - Build robot head and program its artificial intelligence.

Step sixteen - Turn robot on.

Step seventeen - Argue with robot.

Step eighteen - Turn robot off and reprogram it to eliminate homophobic personality.

Step nineteen - Turn robot on.

Step twenty - Shut robot down via emergency cut off and remove roommates broken furniture from apartment.

Step twenty one - Finish roommates box of Fruity Pebbles.

Step twenty two - Try to make it back to room before roommate enters kitchen.

Step twenty three - Argue with roommate.

Step twenty four - Put cold steak on eye to reduce swelling.

Step twenty five - Reprogram robot to kill roommate.

Step twenty six - Turn robot on.

Step twenty seven - Enjoy wearing both your newly cleaned clothes, and your former roommates entire wardrobe.

Google Fun For Hours

My roommates and I have just discovered an amazing game that you, the audience at home, can play for yourselves. Here's how:

1. Go to Google Maps.
   
2. Click on "Find businesses."
3. Type your address in the "where" box.
4. In the "what" box, type any item you wish to find.

For instance, if you want some pizza for dinner type "pizza," and the closest location that you can find such a service in Charlottesville is listed. Here are some examples (if you don't believe the results, please try them yourself):

1. Rape - University of Virginia
2. Easy Bitches - Outback Lodge
3. Faggots - Earl Hamner Jr Theater
4. Ass Play - Monticello
5. Blow Job - Tina Roberts Studios
6. Drunk Women - Family & Correction
7. Douche - Omni Hotel
8. Loser - Spotswood High School
9. Crunk - Buffalo Wild Wings, WNRN (second entry)
10. Morons - America's Hope Foundation
    
11. Drugged Women - Region Ten Community Center
12. Late Buses - University of Virginia
13. Horrible People - The Hook
14. One Night Stand - Quality Inn
15. Cunts - GNC
16. Pretentious People - Clifton Country Inn
17. Bad Place - College Park University Place
18. Anal - UVA Outpatient Surgery Center
19. Gay Sex - AIDS Services Group (second entry)
20. Dorky Guys - University of Virginia: Virginia Engineering Foundation
21. Crystal Meth - Paramount Theatre (third entry)
22. Cowards - Eastern Mennonite University
23. Drunks - Eastern Mennonite University (second entry)
24. Anal Rape - James Madison University
25. Donkey Punch - Sheetz
26. Ass Cherries - Basic Necessities
27. Porn - Spudnut Shop
28. Menstrual Blood - Charlottesville Police Department
29. Boobs - Mc Guffey Art Center
30. Katie Sullivan - Wells Sheffield Funeral Home

(We used our address, 1312 Rose Hill Drive, as the "where" for these entries.)

Ali G Interviews Kendall Howell

Ali G: Yo, Respek. Dis is yo main mun, Ali G, an' I iz in da house wiv me bruva, me mate, Kendall Howell.

Kendall Howell: Hello.

Ali G: Now, I hear yous just had a brand fresh nippa boy. Big ups. Wot is is name?

KH: Jeffrey Oliver Howell

Ali G: Very well. Word on da street iz dat a massiv push towards PR is happenin at UTS. Iz dis true?

KH: Yes. We have been successful bringing safety to a higher standard at UTS for the past couple of years, so now we're ready to tackle the task of improving our PR with the community.

Ali G: Me was thinking dat yous might av gottun your bitch up da spout to elp PR.

KH: What?

Ali G: Did yous want the public to know dat yous is a man? Dat you iz not shootin blanks?

KH: Well, no, but I don't see what that has to do with...

Ali G: So yous don care dat some people tink dat yous a bit batty? Dat you's a bit on da fairy side.

KH: No one thinks that. Who would think that? I'm married, and besides, so what if I was gay. That would be my prerogative.

Ali G: Iz dat a bum toy?

KH: ??? Can we get back on track please?

Ali G: Respek. So wuz yous maximum whun ya made da fresh routes?

KH: I don't follow.

Ali G: Wuz yous smoken da herbal remidies?

KH: Marijuana? No, I've never smoked marijuana.

Ali G: Den why do yous get 10 minutes at MacDonald's if yous don't hav da munchies?

KH: The reason for that is we have to make sure the buses are spaced out correctly on route.

Ali G: Da drivers get spacey? Does gettin' well spaced out before a shift elp 'im drive. Like when I iz proper stoned, me can watch "Short Circuit" fo like eight hours in a row. As yous seen dat flick?

KH: I must stress that our drivers are prohibited from using any illegal substances, and they are absolutely never...

Ali G: Yo, me luvs da part when he sez "Johny Five is aight." Iz mad wicked. *Snap*

KH: It's "Johny Five is alive."

Ali G: Whateva. So iz dere a fresh dress code at UTS?

KH: Well, we're trying to appear more professional in the eyes of the general public. What I would like to see is a reflection of this professionalism, while keeping intact the laid back nature of the organization we have all come to love. I believe there is a common ground between these two goals.

Ali G: Iz babylons in dat common ground?

KH: What is that?

Ali G: Yous know wot I iz talkin 'bout. Tata's, julie jugs, bazookas. Don yous tink dat bitches should be allowed to show dey breasts when deyz drivin'. Maybe geazers would get out a da way if dey saw a little nip.

KH: That would be sexual harassment if we enforced that behavior, so no.

Ali G: Her ass, wot about hiz ass? HAHAHA

KH: .........

Ali G: Did yous hear wot me just said. Hiz ass. As if...

KH: Yeah. It was.. pretty funny.

Ali G: Yo. Respek! Big ups to you Kendall fo takin' da time to bust wit me, and big ups to UTS. Be mad safe on da roads.

DANCE!!!!!!

This is an actual commercial for an actual insurance company in Seattle, brought to you by Ben and Cindy.

Overheard on Blk 14

I find that the conversation between nurses early in the morning is like watching "Encino Man" and "Biodome" fuck. Here's what we're going to do; I'm going to write down the transcripts of convos that I overheard this morning, peppered with convos I WISH I had heard, and you tell me which ones are truth and which ones are awesome. Go:

• "It's horrible, you know. I mean, Social Security was set up so that we wouldn't have to work later in life. I think everyone should be able to enjoy their golden years, but I think I'm going to have to work until I'm ninty!"
• "Basically I stick to white cheeses because.......oh my god!! Where is all this blood coming from??!!! It's everywhere!! There's so much blood!!" *vomit*
• "This new GPS system is great. I've always thought that it would be nice to know exactly when the bus was coming. That way I can wait in my car if it's raining, or if I just don't feel like standing in the sun."
• "So my cousin Brad Pitt is coming into town to see my new house, and he wants me to invite people from the community so he can hang out with them and make some new friends."
• "Does Jeff still play with the Church band? Now, is that every Sunday, or does he play during the Wednesday evening service as well?"
• "Basically, Robert and I decided that since Breanna is going away to school this summer, we want to make sure that she's able to comfortably handle unfamiliar social situations. So we're trying to hire someone who can teach her how to be a woman. We're prepared to pay exceptionally well, but we're having trouble finding someone who is willing to put forth the multiple hours a day we expect to be spent on teaching our daughter all the ways of the world."
• "The stairs on the bus just kill me every morning. They're so steep, I'm just afraid that one day I won't be able to make it up them! Hahaha."
• "....and then they crashed straight through the gate. Now, my uncle has been raising dinosaurs for years, and I told him not to give them guns, but....."
• "We like to use one ply in our house because we have a septic tank and it's quicker to biodegrade. And you know, if you double it up, you can't even tell that it's not two ply!"
• "......so then she woke up, and I was like FUCK!!!!!!!!"
• "Jessie came to me yesterday and said that I should stay in the office later in the day and help out with the extra paper work in the afternoon. But that makes no sense, because I already have to sort the files when I get to work, so basically I'm doing twice as much work for the same pay. So I told Racheal, if you have a problem with me showing up for work late, you'll just have to deal with it, because I'm not getting screwed with more work and the same pay. And guess what? She backed down. I was so proud that I stood up to her that I went to Kroger and bought a bottle of Barefoot wine."
• "I fucked John in the ass last night."
  

Can you tell which quotes were real? I thought not.