Haikus

I recently did some stage time in Manhattan at a show that was called "Haiku." Each comedian was invited to write a Haiku or two to read at some point in their set. I wrote 20. Here they are for your asian pleasure. 

fun with old people
dress in grim reaper costume
go to nursing home

sex in cardboard box
use your imagination
now its a space ship

earth floating in dark
so fragile in its soft shell
fuck bobby jindal

in line for santa
I'm also dressed as santa
children are crying

in a friends bathroom
ruler on back of toilet
for god's sake, don't touch

in a friends bathroom
ruler on back of toilet
gross, my friends a girl

Marlbero miles
there's one prize you cannot win
chemotherapy

dinner on Christmas
Christians love to dine on ham
this makes jews jealous

with luck, in future
dip'n dots will still exist
jokes about them won't

blind Stevie Wonder
dressed silly in 70's
his friends let him down

happy ending rub
ok at massage parlors
car wash, not so much

Darfur hunger strike
I don't think you should bother
they have that covered

people who sell pot
why don't you also sell snacks?
crunch berries in shwag

sex with blow up doll
not as awkward as you think
ok, that's a lie

homosexuals
constant state of confusion
I went to Starbucks

airport drug traffic
put baggies in your dogs ass
drug dogs should sniff there

suicide letter
more fun if it's a pop up
pull tab, wave goodbye

sexy time sweet talk
many mistakes are made
like, "nothing but net"

rape is not funny
I'm glad no one is laughing
um, yeah, this one sucks

I thought you were 12
two pedophiles meet in park
I thought you were 12

Comedy Podcast

I sat down the other week with Jim Zarling, the founder of the Charlottesville Comedy Roundtable. Listen as we talk about pregnancy, facebook, the economy, dementia, and stand-up.

 http://cvillecomedy.blogspot.com/2009/02/podcast-iv-bill-metzger.html

25 Things You Don't Know About Me.

• I haven’t used a pencil erasure since 1987, because that was the last time I made a mistake.
  
• I say cool and hip things like “trippin,” “swoll,” “off the chain,” and “me too.”
  
• Contrary to what Willow believes, I am in fact the greatest swordsman that ever lived, not Madmartigan.
  
• When I read mystery novels I have to stop half-way through because that’s when I figure them out.
  
• I designed a very popular line of hyper-color evening wear sold in Prague..
  
• I stayed up for 24 hours once, and during that time I won a wrestling match, caught a fish, kissed a girl, wrote a story, and built a chair. All of these things took place in the parking lot of a 7-11.
  
• I was a C-section, twice.
  
• In 2003 I launched an advertising business that advertises for an advertising company.
  
• I can hug a gay person without thinking I might be gay.
  
• I wrote this whole article with my eyes closed.
  
• I lit the wrong end of a cigarette once, and that was only because God spoke to me while I was lighting it.
  
• After six years, I finally convinced the fifth dentist to recommend Trident. 
  
• I have bailed three people out of debt and put four severely in debt.
  
• Bangorang.
  
• On September 11th, the terrorists thought I was in one of the towers.
  
• In Biloxi there are six streets named after me.
  
• Mi poto paroli Esperanto kun ease. Bitch.
  
• I donated my left kidney in 2002 and it grew back, so I donated it again in 2004.
  
• In my spare time I write additions to the Bible. My Bible is now over 14,000 pages long.
  
• When I play sports I will sometimes secretly switch teams in order to give myself the advantage. 
  
• The Dali Lama once thanked me for eating breakfast with him.
  
• In 1994 I dodged a bullet. It took three years before I discovered that I had actually been shot. 
  
• I will have three contributions in the next edition of "Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations" 
  
• My past lives brag that I am their future life.
  
• Every night before I go to sleep I play an entire game of Monopoly moving for all twelve pieces.
  

Inauguration Fun Facts!!!

After witnessing all the pimp and circumstance (Get it? Obaba's black.), it might be hard to believe that the only legal requirement of the incoming president is to take the fifteen word oath of office. All the balls, all the parades, all the celebrities, all the speeches, and all the bad poetry are only unnecessary layers that have accumulated over time. This morning, as I watch the movie Ghost, (Nobody puts baby in a corner, except for cancer.) I thought I would take some time to impart to you some of the lesser known inaugural facts and traditions:

• When one president relinquishes power to another, there is always a private letter left in the Resolute Desk for the incoming Commander in Chief. This is not a letter full of presidential secrets and wisdom. It is actually a story. Each President adds his own paragraph. The latest addition to the story has turned it into a picture book.
  

• The tradition of giving a speech after swearing in was started by George Washington. He thought that, given the occasion, he should say a few words to the American people. He also started the tradition of jerking off beforehand to calm him nerves. This has been repeated by every president save Lyndon Johnson, who had to jerk off after swearing in, due to the short notice of JFK getting shot in the head.

• Since the inception of photography, the incoming and outgoing presidents have posed for a photo together on Inauguration day. This photo is taken in the doorway of the Oval Office and is staged as follows: The door frame divides the picture into two halves. On the right, the outgoing President is standing in the Oval Office, leaning against the wall. His hand gently placed on the wood paneling next to his face. On the left side, the newly elected President is leaning against the hallway wall in much the same fashion. Divided. Yearning.
  

• The new President and First Lady have hot "Mr. President" sex. The outgoing President gets a hand job in a helicopter. 
  

• Before the inauguration, the soon to be President and his wife visit the White House to have a cup of coffee with the former President. This year Obama will be choosing tea over coffee. If the incoming president has young children, this meeting is also the first official opportunity he has to say, "Stop sweetie. Daddy's running the country. Go play with that old stuff." This year Obama will be saying this to Bush, rather than his own children. You see, they are better behaved.
  

Alright, now that I have shared these traditions with you, I need to share something else. I wrote half of this, and then came back the next day and wrote the other half. Why? Because, as I mentioned above I was watching the movie Ghost when I started writing this. "Hey, Bill. Then what happened?" Well, baby birds, I finish watching Ghost, and then it came on again. Let me make this clear, so we're all on the same page about what happened yesterday.

I WATCHED THE MOVIE GHOST TWICE IN ONE DAY, BACK TO FUCKING BACK.

Naturally, I was drunk the second time and couldn't finish this blog entry.
Obama, help me.

How To Build A Robot In Twenty Seven Easy Steps

Step one - Accumulate a mound of laundry, one that encompasses all the clothes you own.

Step two - Make a list of parts necessary to construct a "laundry doing" robot.

Step three - Get kicked out of Radio Shack for wearing only a dirty pair of basketball shorts.

Step four - Borrow some of your roomates clothing.

Step five - Buy necessary parts at Radio Shack.

Step six - Return roommates clothes and credit card.

Step seven - Assemble robots body.

Step eight - Remove robots penis for fear of roommates homophobic reaction.

Step nine - Take shower and use roommates loofah.

Step ten - Call ex-girlfriend.

Step eleven - Cry.

Step twelve - Reattach robots penis and test it via the scientific method.

Step thirteen - Pretend you are not home until roommate goes to bed.

Step fourteen - Stare at pile of dirty laundry.

Step fifteen - Build robot head and program its artificial intelligence.

Step sixteen - Turn robot on.

Step seventeen - Argue with robot.

Step eighteen - Turn robot off and reprogram it to eliminate homophobic personality.

Step nineteen - Turn robot on.

Step twenty - Shut robot down via emergency cut off and remove roommates broken furniture from apartment.

Step twenty one - Finish roommates box of Fruity Pebbles.

Step twenty two - Try to make it back to room before roommate enters kitchen.

Step twenty three - Argue with roommate.

Step twenty four - Put cold steak on eye to reduce swelling.

Step twenty five - Reprogram robot to kill roommate.

Step twenty six - Turn robot on.

Step twenty seven - Enjoy wearing both your newly cleaned clothes, and your former roommates entire wardrobe.

Google Fun For Hours

My roommates and I have just discovered an amazing game that you, the audience at home, can play for yourselves. Here's how:

1. Go to Google Maps.
   
2. Click on "Find businesses."
3. Type your address in the "where" box.
4. In the "what" box, type any item you wish to find.

For instance, if you want some pizza for dinner type "pizza," and the closest location that you can find such a service in Charlottesville is listed. Here are some examples (if you don't believe the results, please try them yourself):

1. Rape - University of Virginia
2. Easy Bitches - Outback Lodge
3. Faggots - Earl Hamner Jr Theater
4. Ass Play - Monticello
5. Blow Job - Tina Roberts Studios
6. Drunk Women - Family & Correction
7. Douche - Omni Hotel
8. Loser - Spotswood High School
9. Crunk - Buffalo Wild Wings, WNRN (second entry)
10. Morons - America's Hope Foundation
    
11. Drugged Women - Region Ten Community Center
12. Late Buses - University of Virginia
13. Horrible People - The Hook
14. One Night Stand - Quality Inn
15. Cunts - GNC
16. Pretentious People - Clifton Country Inn
17. Bad Place - College Park University Place
18. Anal - UVA Outpatient Surgery Center
19. Gay Sex - AIDS Services Group (second entry)
20. Dorky Guys - University of Virginia: Virginia Engineering Foundation
21. Crystal Meth - Paramount Theatre (third entry)
22. Cowards - Eastern Mennonite University
23. Drunks - Eastern Mennonite University (second entry)
24. Anal Rape - James Madison University
25. Donkey Punch - Sheetz
26. Ass Cherries - Basic Necessities
27. Porn - Spudnut Shop
28. Menstrual Blood - Charlottesville Police Department
29. Boobs - Mc Guffey Art Center
30. Katie Sullivan - Wells Sheffield Funeral Home

(We used our address, 1312 Rose Hill Drive, as the "where" for these entries.)

Ali G Interviews Kendall Howell

Ali G: Yo, Respek. Dis is yo main mun, Ali G, an' I iz in da house wiv me bruva, me mate, Kendall Howell.

Kendall Howell: Hello.

Ali G: Now, I hear yous just had a brand fresh nippa boy. Big ups. Wot is is name?

KH: Jeffrey Oliver Howell

Ali G: Very well. Word on da street iz dat a massiv push towards PR is happenin at UTS. Iz dis true?

KH: Yes. We have been successful bringing safety to a higher standard at UTS for the past couple of years, so now we're ready to tackle the task of improving our PR with the community.

Ali G: Me was thinking dat yous might av gottun your bitch up da spout to elp PR.

KH: What?

Ali G: Did yous want the public to know dat yous is a man? Dat you iz not shootin blanks?

KH: Well, no, but I don't see what that has to do with...

Ali G: So yous don care dat some people tink dat yous a bit batty? Dat you's a bit on da fairy side.

KH: No one thinks that. Who would think that? I'm married, and besides, so what if I was gay. That would be my prerogative.

Ali G: Iz dat a bum toy?

KH: ??? Can we get back on track please?

Ali G: Respek. So wuz yous maximum whun ya made da fresh routes?

KH: I don't follow.

Ali G: Wuz yous smoken da herbal remidies?

KH: Marijuana? No, I've never smoked marijuana.

Ali G: Den why do yous get 10 minutes at MacDonald's if yous don't hav da munchies?

KH: The reason for that is we have to make sure the buses are spaced out correctly on route.

Ali G: Da drivers get spacey? Does gettin' well spaced out before a shift elp 'im drive. Like when I iz proper stoned, me can watch "Short Circuit" fo like eight hours in a row. As yous seen dat flick?

KH: I must stress that our drivers are prohibited from using any illegal substances, and they are absolutely never...

Ali G: Yo, me luvs da part when he sez "Johny Five is aight." Iz mad wicked. *Snap*

KH: It's "Johny Five is alive."

Ali G: Whateva. So iz dere a fresh dress code at UTS?

KH: Well, we're trying to appear more professional in the eyes of the general public. What I would like to see is a reflection of this professionalism, while keeping intact the laid back nature of the organization we have all come to love. I believe there is a common ground between these two goals.

Ali G: Iz babylons in dat common ground?

KH: What is that?

Ali G: Yous know wot I iz talkin 'bout. Tata's, julie jugs, bazookas. Don yous tink dat bitches should be allowed to show dey breasts when deyz drivin'. Maybe geazers would get out a da way if dey saw a little nip.

KH: That would be sexual harassment if we enforced that behavior, so no.

Ali G: Her ass, wot about hiz ass? HAHAHA

KH: .........

Ali G: Did yous hear wot me just said. Hiz ass. As if...

KH: Yeah. It was.. pretty funny.

Ali G: Yo. Respek! Big ups to you Kendall fo takin' da time to bust wit me, and big ups to UTS. Be mad safe on da roads.